My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
