Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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