That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
