census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
