I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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