I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
