Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
