when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize