I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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