guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
