Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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