:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
