I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
