the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
