drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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