The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
