tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize