so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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