he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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