We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we're so committed to being not committed
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
