someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
