so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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