At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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