I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize