I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The uberlube is also flammable
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
