bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
