Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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