My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
where are you?
Hypothermia
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
