and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
