when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
