I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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