I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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