Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
