Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
How's work?
Spinning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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