Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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