I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
