And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
