I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
