You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
