You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
