I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize