I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize