hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
