if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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