my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
