i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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