3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
