Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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