Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
