You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
