i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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