i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
we're so committed to being not committed
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