My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
