new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
