You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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