She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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