I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
