Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize