I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize