u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
