Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
In other news, I just burned my penis
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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