i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
