Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
