Do you still have your period?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
