the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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